I went to Cecil to find out how many classes I had to take to get an AA in General Studies. I thought I had two semesters of work, but I only have one! I'll have a college degree by the end of December! That means I could go into the Peace Corps, or get a job at a newspaper!

I'll probably go for the job at the newspaper, because I'd rather wait until after I get a Bachelor's degree to go into the Peace Corps. Especially since there are some really interesting Master's programs that will Peace Corps service as part of the degree requirements, and will give reduced or free tuition. I've always wanted to do the Peace Corps, and it's exciting to think that it might actually happen! I'm leaning towards Morocco or Jordan. I wish Egypt was available, but it's not. I'll just have to vacation there!!! The very thought has given me a heart attack! Yaaaayz for Egypt!!!!

I ate lunch at Red Robin today with my family and Joey. Everythingn was going well until Joey makes some remark about me not having a job in Rexburg and relying on my parents for money. I was pissed. He had said something similar the day before, and I had been pissed then, but I let it slide because I thought it was a one time thing. So, at Red Robin, I told him that I wanted to punch him and/or throw my strawberry lemonade on him. And then he acted angry and offended! Then my dad took Joey's side, and started apologizing to Joey for me! What exactly deid I do? Oh yeah, I got pissed because Joey made remarked on something that he obviously knows nothing about. So why was I the one who was getting blamed for starting everything? What was Joey expecting? Was he expecting me to be happy? Cuz I'm pretty sure I didn't look happy at the mall when he insulted me the first time. If he brings it up one more time, I swear I'll punch him. I don't even want to see him again. Unfortunately, I think he's coming to institute tonight. I don't care if church people see me, I will hurt him if he says something again.

I wanted to end on a good note this time, so now I'm going to say that I loved FHE! It was like a little Rising Sun Branch reunion. Marcus was back from his mission, I was back from college, Elisa was there (with Josh, of course), and even Ben was there. Even though there were other people there, we all hung out with each other most of the time. Just like the good ol' days when the youth in the branch would barely associate with people from other wards at stake dances. I had forgotten how awesomely fun Marcus was! That, or he became awesomer while he was on his mission. And I had forgotten how much I absolutely loved hanging out with Elisa. Yay for friends! I can't wait 'til next Monday!

Elisa changed her wedding date to May. Way to mess up my plans! Now I don't know whether I'll even be able to go to Rexburg this winter, unless I get my deferment accepted. And I was so excited about going snowboarding! Elisa'a wedding or snowboarding? It's a toss-up! Well, I was told not to snowboard for at least a year, which technically strikes out this winter. But I did love it so much! And I'm looking forward to getting a board for Christmas! Oh, curses on you, Elisa!

Wow. A lot happened in the past couple days. I'll try to fit it all in without going off on tangents and/or boring you.

Jacquelyn Kilman no longer exists. She is now known as Jacquelyn Price! I drove down to the D.C. temple to meet Covina there, but I got stuck in traffic for about an hour. When I finally met up with them, they were taking pictures in front of the temple. Jacquelyn was so gorgeous! Her hair looked so nice, even though she didn't get the extensions she wanted. (lol) And her dress was soooo pretty! I kind of felt bad for her and Jason, though, cuz it was so hot and humid! Jason was in a 3-piece suit, and Jacquelyn was in a big, long dress! It was a bit surreal to see them married. It's still a little weird to think that they're married!

Covina rode with me on the way down to Jacquelyn's house. Don't tell anyone, cuz I don't want my family to find out, but I got pulled over and got my first ticket ever! I was going 73 in a 60 zone! Though, in my defense, I hadn't seen a speed limit sign for the past ten or 15 miles. It's due by September 11, so I'll be able to pay it myself by then. I'm not freaking out about it.

Once we got to Jacquelyn's house, I think we just hung out for a few minutes before we headed over to the church for Jacquelyn's reception. The cultural hall was nicer than I've seen any other reception look! Well, at least a reception in a cultural hall. The first dance was sweet, but my favorite was the daddy-daughter dance. Jacquelyn and her dad were both crying. Jacquelyn used her dad's tie to wipe away her tears! (lol)

The cake was incredible! It was really rich, so I couldn't eat much of it, but it was sooo good! It was lemon flavored, which was surprising and refreshing. It gives me ideas. . . . (lol) And there was so much food and drink left over! Apparently they were expecting a lot more people to come, so they got stuck with almost a whole sheet cake, three big bags of melon chunks, and about ten liters of soda! I gladly pitched in to help get rid of the melon. :P And I had the best ginger ale ever! It's called Northern Neck, and it is so good! It's far more flavorful and gingery than any other ginger ale I've tasted!

I helped clean up afterwards, and ended up staying the night at Jacquelyn's house. Jacquelyn and Jason had gone to D.C., but Covina was there. So I stole some of Jacquelyn's clothes to sleep in, and spent the night. Her family is so awesome! Her mom is so friendly and fun, and her baby sister is so adorable. And her brothers are awesome, and her dad is cool. Unfortunately, I couldn't stay long Sunday morning because I had a party to go to.

My friend Marcus got home from his mission, so his family hosted a partay for him this afternoon. It was fun, because I got to see and talk to some of my friends. But I didn't even have time to wash my face before I got there! (lol) Luckily, I'm awesome, and I didn't look too bad. :P It was nice to see my friends, despite how dirty I felt. Hopefully I'll have as much fun at FHE tomorrow. I dunno how many of my friends got married and left, or how many new people there are!

Okay, tangent time.

I got fake nails on Friday! I was surprised my mom did it, cuz it was so spur of the moment, but I guess she wanted to do it cuz I had Jacquelyn's reception to go to. And they are the coolest, brightest blue! I've been getting compliments on them all weekend! I do love them. I've been getting the urge to bite them, but I have been fighting that urge. I think I'll keep getting them filled until I no longer feel the urge to bite them. Then I'll have long nails that are real! (lol)

I just want to say that guys who only want to date girls can be kind of annoying and come off as jerksm even if they're not. It's okay to have girls that are friends. Don't blow them off just because you want to find a girl to get married to. It's bothersome.

Phew. That's all! It's been a good weekend. All I need to do now is find a job, and figure out what I'm gonna do with school this semester. I dunno if I'll take some easy classes and be full-time so I can play a sport, or if I'll just take a couple classes and concentrate on working and saving money.

P.S. I almost forgot! This is just a funny story, but so worth telling. My sister was singing, as usual. Mere moments after she started singing, the power went out! There was a storm outside, but we couldn't hear it from inside. And about a minute after Shawna stopped singing, the power came back on. Coincidence? I think not! lol.

It's me again. And by that I mean that I'm someone that no one from Rexburg would recognize. Over the past year I was trying really hard to change some of my bad habits. I have nice, long eyelashes now! And my eyebrows are actually visible! But my fingernails are shorter than ever, and I have been literaly pulling my hair out of my head. I have the weirdest little habits. But I digress. . . .

I've noticed a lot of little things I've been doing differently, and they say a lot about the sort of relationship I have with my family . . . and my friends. For instance, in Rexburg and Moscow I didn't feel the need to close the door to my room. In fact, I liked having it open. At home, I can't have it open. I don't trust my family. (I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that they used to walk in on me all the time, without knocking. Often when I was changing. lol.) Also, I'm feeling my depression getting worse. Or maybe it's just getting different. I know they don't care what I say, I know I can't confide in them, I know I can't talk about anything really important with them. And my social anxiety is creeping back. I loved hanging out in Rexburg, and I would randomly go over to my FHE brothers' apartment, but I wouldn't do that now. There's too much history of anxiety around here, and I can't forget it. I keep planning on going to church activities, but then that ghost of past panic attacks creeps in and I don't go. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." How true. There are other things, but I don't want to ramble. Or worry you.

So, basically, I'm becoming the Becca that I don't recognize. And I afraid that I'm going to slip back into all my old ways, and be completely useless, thereby frustrating my mom, so she gets mad at me more, so I get more depressed because, of course, all I really need is a reminder of why I should hate myself. I've been thinking, and I've decided that I want a boyfriend so that I can spend all day with him and stay at his place until I absolutely have to leave for home. How lame is that? I feel like I would latch onto any reason to leave, but then I remember that I don't have a vehicle anymore and that all my friends are at least half an hour away because my parents decided to live in an insanely rural area. Also, I just don't feel like I have the sort of necessary motivation. And I don't want to deal with people asking how my classes were, or how Russia was. I just wanna hang out. No, scratch that. I just wanna travel back in time and stay in Rexburg.

Did I mention that my deferment was denied due to inadequate documentation? Noone stops to think that maybe social anxiety and depression can stop someone from walking up to the counseling center, and that's why I stopped seeing Br. Craig for about a month. Anyways, he wasn't doing much. I emailed the admissions office about what I could do to get adequate documentation, but they haven't replied. I emailed them on Tuesday. If I have to stay at home for another year, I can't promise I won't become a serial killer. I have to find a job, and save up money, and move to Rexburg in January regardless of whether I'll be attending BYU-I. I just want roommates and friends again. I hate being cooped up here, and only seeing and talking to people I like once or twice a week.

On a happier note, Jacquelyn is getting married tomorrow!!! I cannot wait! I'm going down to the temple in the morning, and I'll be staying for the reception that evening. Yay for seeing Jacquelyn and Covina! Double yayz for Jacquelyn and Jason getting married! I'm quite surprised at how happy and excited I can get about my friends getting married. I just love to see my friends happy!

P.S. What?! Am I emo and bipolar? (lol)

P.P.S. My black shorts are missing. :'( They were my second favorite. And my first favorite shorts got ripped on the way from Rexburg to MD. And I was wearing bright pink underwear. It was a cool color combination, but I would have rather done it with a belt. (lol)

I was just reading over my poems and stories, and realizing that I wrote some really stupid stuff. I don't regret any of it, because it all served a purpose, but I wrote stupid stuff! I mean, I basically ripped off PotO. And I've got little, random, nearly nonsense pieces of stories because I can never finish them. And some of my poems (particularly the ones that I tried to make rhyme) just sound so awkward. And most of the are disgustingly emo. Was I really that emo? Am I still that emo? I haven't written anything for a couple years (excluding a really crappy poem about a month ago), and I have to admit that I miss it. I need to get back in to reading Shakespeare. I find his writing so inspirational. I love the words, and the way it sounds, and what his stories are about. Man, I love Shakespeare! And I'm not just saying that cuz I wanna sound sophisticated. I honestly love reading his stuff. Oh, and ancient Greek plays, especially tragedies. Oedipus Rex and Medea are my favorites! I need to reread all of those. I think there's three or four I haven't read. I need to find out if they're at the local library. And I need to read the latest Edward/Bella news! (aka the book) And I need to finish The Golden Compass series. And I want to get back into quantum physics. And I want to start reading about child development, and gardening, and anthropology.

I've got a lot of reading I want to do. I just hope I do it all. This stuff has been on my list for a while, and I just get bored with it so easily. I have to be ADD or something. TV can barely hold my attention anymore!

I think being around good Mormons for the past year has made me a better person. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean I like my family any better. Aren't parents supposed to set an example for their kids? And shouldn't they try to abide by the rules they set for their kids? Or shouldn't they figure out what the rules will be before they have kids, and then abide by them? I know that's what I'm gonna do when I have kids, but that is not what my parents did. This is all brought to the forefront in my mind because I've been spending the past week with them 24/7. And just a few minutes ago my dad said the f word cuz he was irritated at Lisa. Who even brings their work on vacation?! Well, my parents do. I swear my dad and mom have spent half their time working, and they only argue more when they're working. Plus my dad is kind of slow, so when we try to give him directions he misses turns and second guesses the GPS, and we get lost or almost lost. Either way, he gets frustrated and starts getting irritated. And when he's irritated, my mom is irritated. And then they just argue, and bring up old arguments, and neither of the, can let the other have the last word. My dad tries to make my mom stop, but it's pbvious that all his efforts are insincere. And my mom knows they're insincere. Ergo, the arguing doesn't stop for a very, very long time. If I had any savings, I would find a friend or two and rent an apartment. Being around my family makes me so apathetic. Every time I try to encourage them to change, I get a bunch of excuses. Especially excuses that concern my dad. Cuz my dad is incredibly immature, and there are tons of excuses that my mom has for him. It probably just makes her feel better to make excuses for him. My family is completely incapable of change, so I must be, too. Or so their logic says.

Oh, and here's an annoying story. I had made plans with Jeff to hang out, cuz I was only gonna be about half an hour away from him. Of course, to my family, that means Jeff and I are in love. Ugh. Incredibly enough, guys and girls are perfectly capable of being just friends! I liked hanging out with Jeff, and he was nearby, so I asked him to hang out with me. That must mean I like-like him! And then he drove a whole 35 minutes to come hang out with me. That must mean he like-likes me, too! Oh, please. And then they found out that he had a date that night, and he had come to see me, anyways. No matter how I tried to explain it, they wouldn't leave it alone! I'm afraid to even mention him now, cuz they'll start it up again. I suppose it's better to never mention any guys I'm friends with. Cuz they've done the same "Oooh!" thing everytime I've mentioned a guy more than once. From now on, for all they know, I don't hang out with guys. Of course, that will only make them bug me about being a lesbian. (Which happens when I don't have a crush on a guy I hang out with, anyways.) It's a lose-lose situation. I give up.

I'm back into my miserable, coasting, apathetic attitude. It's better not to try anything. If I try to change, or try something new, or even mention trying something new, I get made fun of for it. I miss Rexburg, where I just had good, supportive friends and no miserably family. I can't stand the idea of spending eternity with them. I'll probably be visiting your guys' mansions and spending a few mini-eternities there.