It's me again. And by that I mean that I'm someone that no one from Rexburg would recognize. Over the past year I was trying really hard to change some of my bad habits. I have nice, long eyelashes now! And my eyebrows are actually visible! But my fingernails are shorter than ever, and I have been literaly pulling my hair out of my head. I have the weirdest little habits. But I digress. . . .

I've noticed a lot of little things I've been doing differently, and they say a lot about the sort of relationship I have with my family . . . and my friends. For instance, in Rexburg and Moscow I didn't feel the need to close the door to my room. In fact, I liked having it open. At home, I can't have it open. I don't trust my family. (I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that they used to walk in on me all the time, without knocking. Often when I was changing. lol.) Also, I'm feeling my depression getting worse. Or maybe it's just getting different. I know they don't care what I say, I know I can't confide in them, I know I can't talk about anything really important with them. And my social anxiety is creeping back. I loved hanging out in Rexburg, and I would randomly go over to my FHE brothers' apartment, but I wouldn't do that now. There's too much history of anxiety around here, and I can't forget it. I keep planning on going to church activities, but then that ghost of past panic attacks creeps in and I don't go. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." How true. There are other things, but I don't want to ramble. Or worry you.

So, basically, I'm becoming the Becca that I don't recognize. And I afraid that I'm going to slip back into all my old ways, and be completely useless, thereby frustrating my mom, so she gets mad at me more, so I get more depressed because, of course, all I really need is a reminder of why I should hate myself. I've been thinking, and I've decided that I want a boyfriend so that I can spend all day with him and stay at his place until I absolutely have to leave for home. How lame is that? I feel like I would latch onto any reason to leave, but then I remember that I don't have a vehicle anymore and that all my friends are at least half an hour away because my parents decided to live in an insanely rural area. Also, I just don't feel like I have the sort of necessary motivation. And I don't want to deal with people asking how my classes were, or how Russia was. I just wanna hang out. No, scratch that. I just wanna travel back in time and stay in Rexburg.

Did I mention that my deferment was denied due to inadequate documentation? Noone stops to think that maybe social anxiety and depression can stop someone from walking up to the counseling center, and that's why I stopped seeing Br. Craig for about a month. Anyways, he wasn't doing much. I emailed the admissions office about what I could do to get adequate documentation, but they haven't replied. I emailed them on Tuesday. If I have to stay at home for another year, I can't promise I won't become a serial killer. I have to find a job, and save up money, and move to Rexburg in January regardless of whether I'll be attending BYU-I. I just want roommates and friends again. I hate being cooped up here, and only seeing and talking to people I like once or twice a week.

On a happier note, Jacquelyn is getting married tomorrow!!! I cannot wait! I'm going down to the temple in the morning, and I'll be staying for the reception that evening. Yay for seeing Jacquelyn and Covina! Double yayz for Jacquelyn and Jason getting married! I'm quite surprised at how happy and excited I can get about my friends getting married. I just love to see my friends happy!

P.S. What?! Am I emo and bipolar? (lol)

P.P.S. My black shorts are missing. :'( They were my second favorite. And my first favorite shorts got ripped on the way from Rexburg to MD. And I was wearing bright pink underwear. It was a cool color combination, but I would have rather done it with a belt. (lol)