Do you know what I hate? Yes, I do hate a lot of things, and all those things you said are definitely things I hate. However, I'm thinking of something very specific right now. Three guesses. Yes, I do hate that, but not what I'm thinking of right now. Wrong again. Yes! I hate it when a really good book series turns to crap because of romantical gook!

I've been reading a series about a detective named Thursday Next. It really is a very clever, fun-to-read series. Very, very tongue-in-cheek. I had a sneaking suspicion after the first book ended so well that things were going downhill, but I really had no idea how bad they would get. Every other sentence is "Oh, my poor husband who I only have memories of because he was eradicated and I love him so much and I need to save him but I can't because I'm carrying his child and have to hide from the bad guys to keep our child safe and I miss him soooo much!" I really have no desire to finish the series anymore. It makes me sad. The author's style is wonderful, absolutely magnificent. But I am just about fed up with all this "love" crap that is absolutely everywhere.

Which leads me to another thing I hate. . . .

Love songs, or songs about love. Really, based on the radio you'd think there's nothing else to life. Even now that I have an mp3 player again and can listen to whatever I want, I'm having trouble finding songs that aren't about being in love or finding love or losing love or blahblahblah love. There are other things to life. I am living proof. Not dating anyone, not even interested in dating anyone right now; but I am still alive and having a blast. Mostly I'm having a blast cuz I've got some truly fantastic friends, and that's all I need right now. So why aren't there songs about that? If you know of any, please point me in their direction because I'm about to go crazy listening to these songs about love. (As good as they may be, they are driving me a little nuts.)

P.S. At the same time, I'm so flipping happy for my friends who have found love!!! I know it's amazing for them, and I'm sure it occupies their thoughts 99% of the day, but I'm just asking for some books and/or songs that I can actually relate to. (Seriously, so flipping happy! There may be random smiling and giggling involved. . . .)

Well, I'm fairly certain I'll be majoring in Creative Writing. I'm also fairly certain that I won't get my application in befor Oct. 1. I don't know which branch has my records (and they like to trade them every now and again cuz I don't go to either regularly), I don't know who to talk to about getting an interview with my Branch President, and I'm scared to death to talk to the Branch President in person about getting aan interview cuz my mom says that's not the way to do it. If only there was a poster with this stuff on it. I can barely keep track of stuff in my daily life! So, BYUI is off again. I need to earn more money anyways, I guess. Although I think I actually have to be going full-time in the Winter to stay on my parents' insurance. Dang. I really know how to screw things up. And I can't go to my friend Emily's wedding. My mom just laughs at me or scolds me every time I say I want to go. And I don't understand my family's financial situation. My mom is talking to my dad about cutting back our phone and cell services, and switching to satellite. But she wants me to go to a dermatologist, and they're planning a trip around Christmas to go snowboarding and skiing. I don't get it. Oh, and I'm not going to church today cuz I'm too afraid. I just love being home. Not.

It's been a while since I posted on here. But not much has happened. I joined the Cecil College soccer team, but I'm looking into switching over to the volleyball team. I don't know how my wrist will stand up to volleyball, but I like it more than soccer. I'm taking 13 credits so that I can graduate at the end of this semester! I'll finally have a degree, even if it's only an AA in General Studies. I'm taking Statistics, which will be balanced out by yoga. I had my first yoga class on Wednesday and absolutely loved it! All that hippie crap that say about it is true! I felt clearer and calmer after just one class! And there are some projects that sound really fun and right up my d.i.y., homeopathic alley. I have a cold right now, which sucks. Starke was killed off of Eureka and McKay almost died off of Stargate Atlantis. Needless to say, last week was stressful! (lol)

I just got done giving my dog a walk. The horses were in their pasture near the road, so we walked over to them to say hi. Silly and one of the horses sniffed each other. The one-eyed horse came over next, but Silly didn't seem interested. The horse was a tad skittish at first, cuz its missing eye was facing us, but it got used to it after a minute. I love horses. Pretty much all animals are awesome, but the raw power and gentle nature of horses, combined with their soft fur, velvety noses, and their ginormous size makes them one of my favorites. I usually don't see the horses, which is why it was the highlight of my day so far.

My parents are lookinginto getting new drywall put in my room. I can't wait, cuz I swear all the mold that makes me sneeze every morning is making me more susceptible to getting sick. I haven't had a cold in over a year! Plus the sneezing every morning, and throughout the day, is kind of annoying. After the new drywall is up, I get to paint it! I'm leaning towards a bright, vivid sky blue. I like the contrast with all the dark wood in my room, and bright blue is such a pretty color.

I want to cut my hair. Not because I want it short again; I'm enjoying the length it's at. But the hair at the ends is the hair that I murdered last summer, and it's splitting and breaking like crazy. I just had my mom trim it last month! So I want all the dyed stuff out. Here are pics of the three cuts I'm leaning towards:



If I had gay guy friends, I'd ask their opinion. But I guess straight guy friends and lesbian friends could give me a better idea of what would be attractive. (lol) Yeah, just give me your opinion. I'm leaning towards the shorter cuts, cuz they'll actually take the dyed parts off. The longer cut is more of a trim with bangs. What do you think?

I won't be going back to BYU-I for at least a year. I'm trying not to think about it, though. Whenever I think about just how long it will be until I'm back there, I die a little on the inside. It ensures that there is at least one friend I won't see ever again, barring a small-world moment 20 years down the road. Dang. I can't talk about this anymore.

My family is renting a timeshare down in Williamsburg next week. As much as I want to go to Williamsburg again, I don't want to have to drag my family around and I don't want to have to share a bed with my sister for a whole week again. So, I'm trying to have a friend over every night while my family is gone, and I'm trying to plan a party. We've got a trampoline, a hammock, and a fire pit. What more could you want?! The only obstacle I have is my lack of skills in party planning. Anyone remember Grayson's b-day party? That's cuz no one showed up! (lol)

I miss my college friends even more now that I won't be seeing you for so long. I'm seriously thinking about moving out there in June, but that's so close to the end of the semester. I dunno. Maybe I'll just visit for a few weeks. Maybe I'll die. Blah. I need to stop thinking about it. BUT I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!

I'm cleaning my mom and dad's office suites. It pays $50 a week. Not enough. So, I started as an office assistant. I shredded papers for half the day and watched my mom work for the other half. Yeah. I need a different job. Now! Any job would be better than paperwork all day long.

I just need to remind myself that I'll have my Associate degree by May, and then I can get some sort of semi-real job. I'm aiming for a newspaper. Preferably the Rexburg paper, cuz I miss Rexburg. I miss the people, and the closeness of everything. I miss being able to walk everywhere, and having the temple so close. I especially miss having roommates. Roommates are the bestest. Anyone know of non-student housing in Rexburg? I haven't been able to find any online. I miss Rexburg and roommates and FHE brothers and everything. Ugh.

I made pancakes for breakfast. And, because I am me, I made it into an expriment in flavor. It turned out quite well! Here's the recipe. Try it and tell me if it's good, cuz my opinion could be biased.

2 Large eggs
1 cup vanilla soy milk (or regular milk, for pansies)
1 tbsp cooking oil or olive oil
1.5 cups home-ground wheat flour (or unbleached whole wheat flour bought from store, for pansies)
1/2 tbsp sugar
1 tbsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp nutmeg
appr. 2 cups fresh, frozen raspberries (or store bought, for pansies, just make sure they're unsweetened)
appr. 2 cups chopped walnuts (real people chop them themselves)
bananas
syrup or homemade sugar-free raspberry jam (it's thinner than the stuff you buy at the store, and a great syrup substitute)

Break the eggs in a medium-sized bowl. Whisk until smooth and a little bubbly. Add the milk and oil. Mix. Add flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Let batter sit while you defrost raspberries in a microwave. Do so in 30 second increments, just until they become soft. Add to batter and mix well. Don't be afraid to smoosh the raspberries a little.
Heat a non-stick pan to low-medium heat. Get your walnuts ready. Use a ladle to put some batter in the pan. Sprinkle the pancake evenly with your chopped walnuts. Flip when the sides are dry and the top is still a little bubbly. You'll be able to see how the inside of your pancakes look because of the walnuts, so just keep checking that side for doneness. It's okay if the inside doesn't look completely cooked, as long as there's no raw batter. Lol.
Serve with about half a banana, thinly sliced, and your favorite syrup or the homemade raspberry jam. Now eat it and love it!

I found my lost black shorts! I had completely forgotten about my color guard pole, and my shorts were packed in that box with them. (lol)

I won't be getting my degree at the end of this semester. Because I have to be enrolled full-time for two semesters each year to be on my parents' insurance, I'm going to take math and yoga or modern dance this semester. Don't be fooled, it's goingto be the hardest semester ever. I suck at math more than you can even imagine. I barely passed my last math class (in high school) with a D. And, of course, BYUI had to change their policy on waiving the math class the year I started! My SAT score gets me out of math at almost every other college I looked at, even Brown, but BYUI is just too good for that. Poopheads.

I figure I won't be back at BYUI this winter, so I'll take more classes from Cecil next semester. (Tears for missing snowboarding season. Many tears.) Hopefully I'll be able to attend this summer. If not, I'm going out there to chillax. And work. But, you know, mostly chillax. (lol)

Oh, btw, my mom is bipolar. She changes her mind every day about everything. One day she's okay with me finishing my degree this semester, the next she's not. One hour she's yelling at me because I won't apply to Wal-Mart, that afternoon she's apologizing. Yesterday she seemed fine with Shawna and I spending all day away from home. Today she got upset cuz I slept in a little late ('til 9:30) and hadn't touched my room. Who cares if she's the one who piled all my stuff up in a corner! And that spiders have always infested my room, ever since that hole appeared in my ceiling. And that she's the one who told me to use the blue tacky stuff to put up the pictures that she took down, and that's what is left on the walls. (P.S. Where are they? And who said I wanted them taken down?!) Ugh. I hate home. Oh, and even though I'm the only person without a car, and we have three unused cars, we won't sell them to get me a decent car to drive. I mean, how exactly does she expect me to drive to and from college and work? I don't want to depend on my sister for that! Not to mention that fiasco that was Institute this past Tuesday. Ugh x2. I need a job and an apartment. Preferably far away from home, where they can never find me.

I went to Cecil to find out how many classes I had to take to get an AA in General Studies. I thought I had two semesters of work, but I only have one! I'll have a college degree by the end of December! That means I could go into the Peace Corps, or get a job at a newspaper!

I'll probably go for the job at the newspaper, because I'd rather wait until after I get a Bachelor's degree to go into the Peace Corps. Especially since there are some really interesting Master's programs that will Peace Corps service as part of the degree requirements, and will give reduced or free tuition. I've always wanted to do the Peace Corps, and it's exciting to think that it might actually happen! I'm leaning towards Morocco or Jordan. I wish Egypt was available, but it's not. I'll just have to vacation there!!! The very thought has given me a heart attack! Yaaaayz for Egypt!!!!

I ate lunch at Red Robin today with my family and Joey. Everythingn was going well until Joey makes some remark about me not having a job in Rexburg and relying on my parents for money. I was pissed. He had said something similar the day before, and I had been pissed then, but I let it slide because I thought it was a one time thing. So, at Red Robin, I told him that I wanted to punch him and/or throw my strawberry lemonade on him. And then he acted angry and offended! Then my dad took Joey's side, and started apologizing to Joey for me! What exactly deid I do? Oh yeah, I got pissed because Joey made remarked on something that he obviously knows nothing about. So why was I the one who was getting blamed for starting everything? What was Joey expecting? Was he expecting me to be happy? Cuz I'm pretty sure I didn't look happy at the mall when he insulted me the first time. If he brings it up one more time, I swear I'll punch him. I don't even want to see him again. Unfortunately, I think he's coming to institute tonight. I don't care if church people see me, I will hurt him if he says something again.

I wanted to end on a good note this time, so now I'm going to say that I loved FHE! It was like a little Rising Sun Branch reunion. Marcus was back from his mission, I was back from college, Elisa was there (with Josh, of course), and even Ben was there. Even though there were other people there, we all hung out with each other most of the time. Just like the good ol' days when the youth in the branch would barely associate with people from other wards at stake dances. I had forgotten how awesomely fun Marcus was! That, or he became awesomer while he was on his mission. And I had forgotten how much I absolutely loved hanging out with Elisa. Yay for friends! I can't wait 'til next Monday!

Elisa changed her wedding date to May. Way to mess up my plans! Now I don't know whether I'll even be able to go to Rexburg this winter, unless I get my deferment accepted. And I was so excited about going snowboarding! Elisa'a wedding or snowboarding? It's a toss-up! Well, I was told not to snowboard for at least a year, which technically strikes out this winter. But I did love it so much! And I'm looking forward to getting a board for Christmas! Oh, curses on you, Elisa!

Wow. A lot happened in the past couple days. I'll try to fit it all in without going off on tangents and/or boring you.

Jacquelyn Kilman no longer exists. She is now known as Jacquelyn Price! I drove down to the D.C. temple to meet Covina there, but I got stuck in traffic for about an hour. When I finally met up with them, they were taking pictures in front of the temple. Jacquelyn was so gorgeous! Her hair looked so nice, even though she didn't get the extensions she wanted. (lol) And her dress was soooo pretty! I kind of felt bad for her and Jason, though, cuz it was so hot and humid! Jason was in a 3-piece suit, and Jacquelyn was in a big, long dress! It was a bit surreal to see them married. It's still a little weird to think that they're married!

Covina rode with me on the way down to Jacquelyn's house. Don't tell anyone, cuz I don't want my family to find out, but I got pulled over and got my first ticket ever! I was going 73 in a 60 zone! Though, in my defense, I hadn't seen a speed limit sign for the past ten or 15 miles. It's due by September 11, so I'll be able to pay it myself by then. I'm not freaking out about it.

Once we got to Jacquelyn's house, I think we just hung out for a few minutes before we headed over to the church for Jacquelyn's reception. The cultural hall was nicer than I've seen any other reception look! Well, at least a reception in a cultural hall. The first dance was sweet, but my favorite was the daddy-daughter dance. Jacquelyn and her dad were both crying. Jacquelyn used her dad's tie to wipe away her tears! (lol)

The cake was incredible! It was really rich, so I couldn't eat much of it, but it was sooo good! It was lemon flavored, which was surprising and refreshing. It gives me ideas. . . . (lol) And there was so much food and drink left over! Apparently they were expecting a lot more people to come, so they got stuck with almost a whole sheet cake, three big bags of melon chunks, and about ten liters of soda! I gladly pitched in to help get rid of the melon. :P And I had the best ginger ale ever! It's called Northern Neck, and it is so good! It's far more flavorful and gingery than any other ginger ale I've tasted!

I helped clean up afterwards, and ended up staying the night at Jacquelyn's house. Jacquelyn and Jason had gone to D.C., but Covina was there. So I stole some of Jacquelyn's clothes to sleep in, and spent the night. Her family is so awesome! Her mom is so friendly and fun, and her baby sister is so adorable. And her brothers are awesome, and her dad is cool. Unfortunately, I couldn't stay long Sunday morning because I had a party to go to.

My friend Marcus got home from his mission, so his family hosted a partay for him this afternoon. It was fun, because I got to see and talk to some of my friends. But I didn't even have time to wash my face before I got there! (lol) Luckily, I'm awesome, and I didn't look too bad. :P It was nice to see my friends, despite how dirty I felt. Hopefully I'll have as much fun at FHE tomorrow. I dunno how many of my friends got married and left, or how many new people there are!

Okay, tangent time.

I got fake nails on Friday! I was surprised my mom did it, cuz it was so spur of the moment, but I guess she wanted to do it cuz I had Jacquelyn's reception to go to. And they are the coolest, brightest blue! I've been getting compliments on them all weekend! I do love them. I've been getting the urge to bite them, but I have been fighting that urge. I think I'll keep getting them filled until I no longer feel the urge to bite them. Then I'll have long nails that are real! (lol)

I just want to say that guys who only want to date girls can be kind of annoying and come off as jerksm even if they're not. It's okay to have girls that are friends. Don't blow them off just because you want to find a girl to get married to. It's bothersome.

Phew. That's all! It's been a good weekend. All I need to do now is find a job, and figure out what I'm gonna do with school this semester. I dunno if I'll take some easy classes and be full-time so I can play a sport, or if I'll just take a couple classes and concentrate on working and saving money.

P.S. I almost forgot! This is just a funny story, but so worth telling. My sister was singing, as usual. Mere moments after she started singing, the power went out! There was a storm outside, but we couldn't hear it from inside. And about a minute after Shawna stopped singing, the power came back on. Coincidence? I think not! lol.

It's me again. And by that I mean that I'm someone that no one from Rexburg would recognize. Over the past year I was trying really hard to change some of my bad habits. I have nice, long eyelashes now! And my eyebrows are actually visible! But my fingernails are shorter than ever, and I have been literaly pulling my hair out of my head. I have the weirdest little habits. But I digress. . . .

I've noticed a lot of little things I've been doing differently, and they say a lot about the sort of relationship I have with my family . . . and my friends. For instance, in Rexburg and Moscow I didn't feel the need to close the door to my room. In fact, I liked having it open. At home, I can't have it open. I don't trust my family. (I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that they used to walk in on me all the time, without knocking. Often when I was changing. lol.) Also, I'm feeling my depression getting worse. Or maybe it's just getting different. I know they don't care what I say, I know I can't confide in them, I know I can't talk about anything really important with them. And my social anxiety is creeping back. I loved hanging out in Rexburg, and I would randomly go over to my FHE brothers' apartment, but I wouldn't do that now. There's too much history of anxiety around here, and I can't forget it. I keep planning on going to church activities, but then that ghost of past panic attacks creeps in and I don't go. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." How true. There are other things, but I don't want to ramble. Or worry you.

So, basically, I'm becoming the Becca that I don't recognize. And I afraid that I'm going to slip back into all my old ways, and be completely useless, thereby frustrating my mom, so she gets mad at me more, so I get more depressed because, of course, all I really need is a reminder of why I should hate myself. I've been thinking, and I've decided that I want a boyfriend so that I can spend all day with him and stay at his place until I absolutely have to leave for home. How lame is that? I feel like I would latch onto any reason to leave, but then I remember that I don't have a vehicle anymore and that all my friends are at least half an hour away because my parents decided to live in an insanely rural area. Also, I just don't feel like I have the sort of necessary motivation. And I don't want to deal with people asking how my classes were, or how Russia was. I just wanna hang out. No, scratch that. I just wanna travel back in time and stay in Rexburg.

Did I mention that my deferment was denied due to inadequate documentation? Noone stops to think that maybe social anxiety and depression can stop someone from walking up to the counseling center, and that's why I stopped seeing Br. Craig for about a month. Anyways, he wasn't doing much. I emailed the admissions office about what I could do to get adequate documentation, but they haven't replied. I emailed them on Tuesday. If I have to stay at home for another year, I can't promise I won't become a serial killer. I have to find a job, and save up money, and move to Rexburg in January regardless of whether I'll be attending BYU-I. I just want roommates and friends again. I hate being cooped up here, and only seeing and talking to people I like once or twice a week.

On a happier note, Jacquelyn is getting married tomorrow!!! I cannot wait! I'm going down to the temple in the morning, and I'll be staying for the reception that evening. Yay for seeing Jacquelyn and Covina! Double yayz for Jacquelyn and Jason getting married! I'm quite surprised at how happy and excited I can get about my friends getting married. I just love to see my friends happy!

P.S. What?! Am I emo and bipolar? (lol)

P.P.S. My black shorts are missing. :'( They were my second favorite. And my first favorite shorts got ripped on the way from Rexburg to MD. And I was wearing bright pink underwear. It was a cool color combination, but I would have rather done it with a belt. (lol)

I was just reading over my poems and stories, and realizing that I wrote some really stupid stuff. I don't regret any of it, because it all served a purpose, but I wrote stupid stuff! I mean, I basically ripped off PotO. And I've got little, random, nearly nonsense pieces of stories because I can never finish them. And some of my poems (particularly the ones that I tried to make rhyme) just sound so awkward. And most of the are disgustingly emo. Was I really that emo? Am I still that emo? I haven't written anything for a couple years (excluding a really crappy poem about a month ago), and I have to admit that I miss it. I need to get back in to reading Shakespeare. I find his writing so inspirational. I love the words, and the way it sounds, and what his stories are about. Man, I love Shakespeare! And I'm not just saying that cuz I wanna sound sophisticated. I honestly love reading his stuff. Oh, and ancient Greek plays, especially tragedies. Oedipus Rex and Medea are my favorites! I need to reread all of those. I think there's three or four I haven't read. I need to find out if they're at the local library. And I need to read the latest Edward/Bella news! (aka the book) And I need to finish The Golden Compass series. And I want to get back into quantum physics. And I want to start reading about child development, and gardening, and anthropology.

I've got a lot of reading I want to do. I just hope I do it all. This stuff has been on my list for a while, and I just get bored with it so easily. I have to be ADD or something. TV can barely hold my attention anymore!